Face-punching for free

[maradydd]

cristalia has a call to arms regarding the incident at this year's Hugos wherein Harlan Ellison groped Connie Willis's breast onstage.

I'm not especially involved in the SF community anymore, mainly due to lack of time and effort on my part, but I've also heard reports from thewronghands and other tech women about inappropriate groping/wrist-grabbing/whatever from people in the tech field. Now, I have a standard response to things like this: if someone gropes me, I punch the offending party in the face. I don't care if it's a friend, an acquaintance, or a total stranger. A friend might get the courtesy of me saying "Hey, cut that shit out," but if they keep it up, they're going to get punched. Someone at #s decided it would be funny to tickle me, and ended up getting clocked in the throat. Someone at elegantelbow's New Year's Eve party decided it was okay to fondle the scarification piece on my right shoulder, and got an elbow in the ribs for his trouble. This kind of thing doesn't happen to me often -- perhaps I'm just not the most gropeable person in the world -- but the response by now is just instinct.

However, I know there are a lot of people out there who, for some reason or another, don't feel comfortable punching an assaulter in the face. Maybe you've never hit anybody before and think it wouldn't work. Maybe you're worried about getting hit back. Maybe you were brought up to believe that Nice Girls don't do that sort of thing and haven't trained yourself out of it yet.

Well, I am not a Nice Girl, so here is my offer: if I am in your immediate vicinity and someone gropes you, I will punch them in the face for you. All you have to do is alert me -- quickly -- to the problem and the offending party. A nice loud "$name, get your hands off my $bodypart!" should suffice. This serves two purposes: one, it lets me know who to let have it, and two, it draws attention to the asshat in question and directs the condemnation of the rest of the room straight to the offending party. Shame -- particularly shame in the heat of the moment -- is a powerful disincentive toward sexually offensive behaviour. People grope other people because they think can get away with it. Okay, yes, Harlan has drawn the ire of a large part of the SF community after the fact, but unless some form of lasting censure arises from this groundswell, he has gotten away with it. Had someone raised a ruckus at the time, he would have had to deal with a rather more acute form of embarrassment than what he's being subjected to now; the condemnation of peers who are in front of you is a lot more cutting than the condemnation of peers who are far away.

So, SF folks, do what you can after the fact; I applaud that.

But next time, someone punch the asshat in the face, okay?

Comments

[briaer.livejournal.com]

the one and only time I was ever assaulted was alas when I was still in high school. it was at the renaissance festival by someone who I'd just met earlier that day. the most I did was the first time I grabbed his hand and pulled it away and got up to leave. he tried to follow, so I stayed as to not walk back through the woods alone with him. he did it again. the second time I flat out stood up making a polite excuse to leave. when he tried to follow I asked my ex-boyfriend who was nearby to escort me back to my camp, where I promptly went into sobbing "why me" mode. at least he was a stand up guy and let me cry on his shoulder. at least I was smart enough to avoid getting raped.
the insult to injury is the guy who assaulted me I've seen other times, and I don't think he has the faintest clue who I am. asshole.
now I don't let anyone get close enough, and if they were to then yes, they will be promptly punched and have five or six Big Men With Swords hunting their ass all night long.
for the record, the parents don't know this story and I'd like to keep it that way, just wanted to share my story

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

It seems like there's this social pressure for women to be polite in these scenarios, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to say, bluntly, "Do not follow me. I don't want to be around you anymore." And to threaten to go get security, the cops, Big Guys With Swords, whatever's available, if that doesn't work. And to make good on it.

This one time somebody wouldn't quit following me and I hit him with a car door at 5MPH, so I know it works.

[bigby.livejournal.com]

For the record, I will be the dude with a sword if needed.

It does change one's perspective

[(Anonymous)]

It doesn't excuse basically stalking you, but I did survive and get better, didn't I? :D

[hominysnark.livejournal.com]

I got groped at a party once, and my reaction was of the pure knee-jerk variety--pure in the sense that I kneed him in the balls without even thinking about it.

He went out in the backyard and threw up for a while, and I continued to enjoy the party.

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

Go you! Not just for the fluid response, but for going merrily about your business afterward. That's the even more important part. :)

[ernunnos.livejournal.com]

That's the WT solution.

I knew Ellison was nuts, I didn't know he was a groper. How pathetic.

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

He's always been totally civil to me, the couple or three times I've met him in person -- in fact, my only Harlan Ellison Story involves accidentally intimidating him -- but yeah, I've heard a lot of stories about inappropriate behaviour on his part.

[ivy]

I am also a face-puncher when grabbed. Women are socialized not to strike back when groped, you're totally right. It's not "nice". I care much more about maintaining my own personal space and right not to be sexually assaulted than I care about being "nice". I am not public fondling property, and I will hit anyone who thinks otherwise. If they're really upset about it, good, maybe that means they will think twice before doing something so grossly inappropriate again. Instant shaming and reprisal should serve.

[polymorphously.livejournal.com]

My response, unfortuantely not planned, but reactive, is to look blank and be totally inert. I suppose it's a simple shock-response, but it nonetheless works. I don't whimper, hit, whine, get lustful, get angry or anything. A lot of fuckwad men really do love to get women angry (unless it hurts sufficiently), or at least find it second-best to a lustful response. So my total blank look puts them ill-at-ease, and they avoid me completely afterwards.

If I ever feel *cornered* that's where I go into violent, blind-rage, fight-to-the-death mode.

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

The "hurts sufficiently" part is why I go for the punch in the face. Making the offender feel ill-at-ease is all well and good, and gets them to leave you alone, but unless they have reason to fear what will happen next time, there's no motivation for them not to just go torment somebody else next time the opportunity presents itself.

[polymorphously.livejournal.com]

I fully agree.

I don't recommend my reaction, it's just what happens, and thankfully serves me well, even if it doesn't prove a good lesson not to harrass others.

[nibor.livejournal.com]

I am reminded of some random memory of school - maybe middle school? - where a little demonstration was put on about self defense, and then some practical examples given.
The first thing was someone picking a fight with you, or picking on you, or etc. What sticks out in my mind is that the rule was, once they actually reached out to give you a shove, they'd broken the physical barrier and were fair game for a physical response. Then the first thing we learned to do was to attack someone giving us a shove in the chest. (I think it involved a wrist-grab and an elbow to the face, or perhaps an elbow lock - unimportant details)
The come-away should be the same for this. Once someone inappropriately touches you, a physical response is an appropriate reaction. Our society needs to send the message that not only will the woman you just grabbed quite possibly punch you in the face (or send a knee to the groin), but bystanders, as part of society as a whole, will be supportive of this physical response.
A shake to the shoulder might be sufficient for a poke to the belly. I think I'm with you on a punch to the face for a grab of the breast.

[vatine]

Punching is fairly easy, but I'd advise against closing your fist over your thumb, you're likely to injure yourself that way. Other than that, go ahead. Also remember that (some) women are gropers, so as you work on the "slap/hit/knee the groper", you may want to consider what to do if she's a she.

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

Yeah, closing your fist over your thumb is a great way to dislocate your thumb. I learned good punching technique from my martial-artist ex-husband, later martial arts classes, and the Army, but not everyone's had those kinds of experiences, so it's a good thing to point out to the inexperienced. (Brief summary: Close your fist and curl your thumb so that it lies along, and perpendicular to, the second bones of your fingers. Pivot your wrist so that the back of your hand forms a straight line with your forearm, and use the front of your fist as the striking surface.)

I did consider the possibility that a groper might be a woman, and indeed that's why I went with gender-neutral language in the original post. That's also why I prefer the punch in the face to the kick in the crotch -- everybody has a face. :)

[vatine]

Indeed. There's one more thing to consider when punching. Ideally, you want to hit the target with more than one knuckle (spreads the load, less chance of cracking knuckles, that takes WEEKS to heal) and you want the line of the knuckles to have a normal pointing down the bones in the under-arm. It's not *necessary*, but it hurts more.

I'm sure there are more people that are more than happy to take the 10-15 minutes needed for demonstrating "basic punching fist" and the supervised repeats needed to get it at least half-way burned into muscle memory, but if anyone should find themselves in London, I'm happy to assist. If there's a suitable punching pad at hand, I'll even demonstrate how to drive the fist into the target (and hold the pad to allow more practice).

[akumadaimyo.livejournal.com]

Does this free punching include punching FOR men? Sometimes men are groped by other men and even women in today's changing world. Women have a advantage in that too, it's ok for them to punch other women. A man punching a woman who groped him, while possibly justified, would probably get labled as a abusive woman beater.

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

Yup. I deliberately used gender-neutral terminology (except when talking about the experiences of actual people) for precisely that reason.

[akumadaimyo.livejournal.com]

Oh and if people are going to discuss punching techniques, take it from a martial artist, forget punching if your worried about hurting your fist. Go with a palm strike. They generate a lot of power and don't hurt your fist or wrist as much.

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

I'm also fond of a half-open fist/knuckle-rake when going for the throat.

[morriganswitch.livejournal.com]

Here via Wendyzinsky's rant on the subject, and I CERTAINLY will volunteer for face punching duty.

I'm a 6'1 female, with self proclaimed "Big Tit Chick" (40DDD). I got a blackbelt because I got tired of being pushed around, and groped by men like this. F*ck that. We should start our own army. :)

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

"GROPE ME AND GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE" would make a good button, by way of identification/insignia. What's a good, short slogan expressing willingness to act as a proxy fist, though?

And, wow, there goes my theory about not getting groped because I'm 5'9" and built like a trucker. Maybe it's the 38A being uninteresting rather than the height being intimidating.

[morriganswitch.livejournal.com]

Or how about "Want a punch in the face? Ask me how!" :)

I would have thought that the height would have been more intimidating, but I guess that gets counter effected by blonde hair and huge boobs. Too many people think blonde hair= harmless airhead.

[fer-de-lance.livejournal.com]

What's a good, short slogan expressing willingness to act as a proxy fist, though?"

I actually quite like the term, "Proxy Fist." :D Perhaps with a little restroom-figure-drawing, with Groper touching Gropee as Proxy lets fly?

Re: Face Punching

[morriganswitch.livejournal.com]

How creepy

One more comment...

[(Anonymous)]

Hi ;)
wow... what demented newz!
what do you consider about it?

[(Anonymous)]

hahaha. i'm a male ok guys, been reading ya posts just stumbled on it i have to mention not to forget that really big men might be aggrovated so learn how to hurt the knees so you can run :P just thought id mention it.

:P peace

Hello

[(Anonymous)]

I'm new here, just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.